Shock to the System
by Inflamed
Summary: One of their own commits suicide. How does a paramedic handle the senstive issue and how will it affect them. A very violent suicide. Don't read if you don't want to read it. You've been warned!


**This story deals with a rather violent act of suicide. If you don't want to read further than don't. I wrote this in a response to a coworkers finding a roommate in a horrific successful suicide.**

**IF considering suicide please call this number **_**call their toll-free, 24/7 hotline at 1-800-273-TALK**_

For mature audiences only. Contains violence and occasional swearing. Any prejudice or terminology used is intended to portray characters of the period, not the author's views.

Disclaimer: Characters from TV series Emergency! belong to Mark VII, Ltd. and Universal. This work is intended for fun and no money has been or will be made by the author.

Shock to the System

Pounding on the door, Johnny's knuckles were hurting. The apartment complex was quiet for a Monday morning and he really wanted to return the book. Just 9 am it was 80 degrees as the hot summer sun beat down on him. He could hear the sprinklers off in the distance, the sweet smell of wet grass with a hint of water. Another beautiful day in paradise, he thought.

He looked again at Brice's green Gremlin just like when he had seen Brice a week ago. He really wanted to return the medical journal he had borrowed from Brice since he saw no need to purchase one for himself. Gripped tightly the small paperback book was making his hand sweat. Wiping the sweat on his jeans he wondered what to do next.

He spotted little garden gnome on Brice's porch, totally out of place for the man as far as he was concerned. He had seen them once in mail order catalogue. Tucking the book under his arm he picked it up, shook it and heard a distinct clink. Opening the bottom he found what he was looking for, a spare key, not that the perfect paramedic would ever forget his key.

Looking around he put the key in the lock he opened the door cautiously, the book still under his arm, somehow forgotten for the moment. He just wanted to get rid of the book, since he knew he just wouldn't use it.

"Hey, Brice. Anyone home?" Johnny called out. The suddenly freezing air gave him goose bumps in contrast to the heat. He almost was afraid to step on the freshly vacuumed carpet ashamed to disturb the uniformity, like that of a football stadium. His nose picked up the heavy scent of lemony wax, Lysol along with bleach and an underlying odor he just couldn't place. In the back of his mind, he knew it but with the other scents assaulting his overloaded nostrils he made his way further into the spotless apartment.

"Brice you here?" Johnny called out tentatively as he felt the goose bumps grow bigger. "It's colder than an icebox Brice, trying to preserve something?" He called out hoping for a response and getting none. He proceeded further into the apartment.

Walking to the kitchen, he found it immaculate, with no trace a person lived there. The filtered light from the slider slats made the white counters, refrigerator gleam along with the bleach scent he could identify. He took a quick look in the sink, so white he wondered if Brice even used it. The plastic garbage can was scrubbed clean and there was no trash. However the underlying scent he couldn't place was still there and that bothered him somewhat.

Turning around he headed back to the living room, noting his footprints on the immaculate carpet and down the hall to the bedroom and bathroom. The door to the bathroom was open, so John flipped on the light; again the small room was spotless with the Lysol smell stronger. Opening up the shower door, the bright porcelain almost blinded him. Backing out of the small room he turned to the closed bedroom door. He hesitated, no wanting to embarrass Brice if his bed was occupied besides Brice.

Knocking gently, Johnny opened the door slowly with his right hand.

"Hey Brice," Johnny froze, he now had found the underlying odor and it wasn't a pretty sight.

Taking a step into the room, he found Brice on the bed or what was left of him. Half of Brice's face was gone, the pillow was soaked through with blood and bits of brain, Craig held tightly onto a handgun. In shock, John felt his stomach lurch as he leaned against the door frame. He felt weak in the knees and he felt the contents of stomach straining to be free. Turning around he stumbled to the front door dropping the book as he fought for his way to fresh air. Johnny made his way out of the apartment, falling on his knees and then he puked and coughed what was left of breakfast.

Johnny found himself on all fours, puking out what was left of breakfast. Tears ran down his face as the convulsions were so strong. He found it hard to breathe and his nose was still filled up with the noxious odor of death. He felt ashamed, as a paramedic he had seen and faced death too many times to count, so this shouldn't be any different. Or was it?

"Hey mister you okay?" A young woman called to him. "Mister?" A voice called through the fog of his shocked brain.

Johnny sat back on his haunches and blinked the tears from his eyes. Seeing Craig and then the smell did a number on his body. The woman was out of focus and he forced himself to look at her. Then he looked at the grass stains on his hands and suddenly felt the heat from the sun, however he still had goose bumps. She looked young and scared. Guess he looked pretty bad.

"No," he whispered his voice harsh and strained. His mind was reeling, unable to focus or get his mind wrapped around what he had seen.

"Mister you don't look okay. I'm going to call the paramedics and…" The woman turned to go.

"No," Johnny found his voice. "No call the cops. Just call the cops." He placed his hands on his face, utterly exhausted. Still unable to get the vision of Brice out of his head, finally giving into his body, he slumped down on the grass.

John wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there staring into the grass when someone tapped him on the shoulder, looking up he saw the friendly face of police officer Vince Howard.

"Hey, Johnny," Vince's calming voice centered him.

"Hey, Vince," Johnny tried sitting up only to be pushed down again. "You don't look so hot Johnny. So want to tell me what this is all about?"

"Um…I found the body," Johnny croaked and closed his eyes. He still could see what was left of Craig's face wishing away the horrible image and still finding it burned in his retinas.

"Found whose body?" Vince's voice said with concern, he took out a notebook and got to work.

"Um, Craig Brice, this is his place," Johnny motioned with his thumb. "I was returning the book he'd leant me and he didn't answer so I used his spare key to get in. He's dead."

"Break in?" Vince said coldly.

"No, I think its suicide," Johnny frowned and then sat on the ground, pulling his knees up to his chest, "with a gun. I think he's been there awhile…I….I…couldn't…I…"

"It's all right, Johnny, you stay here while I check it out," Vince patted him on the shoulder and headed into the apartment.

Johnny had no energy to turn around. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt as his nose dripped from the heat. He lost track of time and then Vince reappeared.

"I'm going to call for the wagon and I really think you should be checked out," Vince said or rather ordered.

Seeing the seriousness of the police officer's face, John nodded and hoped the nightmare would end quickly. He pulled his knees closer to his chest and tried his breathing exercises to no avail. His chest felt constricted his breathing harsh and his mind unable to focus.

It didn't take long for the coroner's wagon and squad to arrive. The paramedics made him stand up and take a seat in the passenger side of the squad. Sitting there John watched in rapt attention as the corners hearse parked. The attendants got out with a gurney and went into the apartment. He then noticed a small group of people had gathered in the small lawn in front of Brice's apartment, including the woman who had called the cops for him.

John watched with everyone else as Vince opened the door of the apartment for them. Before long, the men and gurney came out. While the paramedics checked him out, Johnny watched the black body bag, which was once Brice, on a gurney loaded into the hearse. Johnny shuddered and realized so did his fellow paramedics. He noted one of the paramedics making the sign of the cross and whispering.

"Now I don't have to warn you all to keep this quiet," Vince looked at the three men. "We have to notify Brice's next of kin. Johnny, I found some letters. I'll talk to you later. Take it easy Johnny." The cop waved as he headed back to his cruiser and they all watched as he pulled away.

"Oh, okay fellas can I get out of here?" Johnny started to slide down off seat of the squad only to be pushed back. He noticed the seriousness of his colleague's faces and knew he didn't stand a chance, but he had to try.

"Now wait a minute, Johnny," Steve Hanson looked at the stunned man. "You heard your numbers; it's a ride to Harbor General for you."

"But…what about my car?" Johnny pointed to his Rover. "How am I going to get back here? Besides I'm working OT tomorrow and …"

"Geez, Johnny will you quit bitching. We're going to give you a ride in the squad," Bill Brower looked at the retreating hearse, then back at Johnny with his game face on.

"Okay, then what?" Johnny crossed his arms and waited, not that he had choice in the matter or the energy either but wouldn't admit it or would deny it. Besides he wasn't about to see his comrades know he had failed miserably at keeping it together. He continued his brave front, although his vitals betrayed him.

"You get checked out, we stay available at the hospital and then give you a ride back here. Deal?" Hanson stated and watched.

Johnny nodded, now too tired to argue. True to their word they waited while their colleague was checked out, given a clean bill of health, and then released, Johnny was thankful to get his car, until he saw the yellow police tape stretched across Brice's porch. The drive home wasn't fast enough.

######

Johnny wasn't sure how Vince found him, but he did. They talked in the Cap's office and Johnny wondered if anybody was listening. He was working his OT shift and no doubt everyone was talking; only he couldn't.

"So you say you went to return a book?" Vince made notations in his notebook.

"Yeah, yeah. Um, we worked a couple of shifts overtime, talked shop and then he invited me over for a beer. A beer, man I never ever would have thought Craig drank beer, you know," Johnny kept look at his fingernails, anything to get the image out of his mind.

"Anyway, I knocked a few times," Johnny sighed, "and then saw the garden gnome, found the spare key and opened the apartment door. I called out, hoping I'd find him home. I mean, man Craig's car was there." He explained and tried to rationalize his behavior. "I don't normally do things like that, you know."

"Johnny you didn't do anything wrong, if that's what you're thinking. The neighbors have seen you around," Vince comforted him. "So you went in to his apartment."

"Yeah, it was like an effin icebox and then I found out why. Guess Craig didn't want anyone to clean up after him. It looked like no one lived there, I guess," Johnny shrugged.

"Okay, you found the remains and then got out of the apartment," Vince checked his notes, "Then his next door neighbor called us and I found you."

"Anything else you'd like to add?" Vince had his pen and notebook at the ready.

"No," Johnny shook his head. "Are we done? I….I need some air." Johnny's eyes begged for release.

"Sure Johnny and if I need anything else I'll get in touch," Vince stood, then Johnny as they headed to the bay. "Oh here's my card," Vince handed him his card.

"Thanks, Vince, for everything," Johnny waved and was almost out of the bay when tones sounded.

"Damnnit to hell," Johnny muttered and headed to the squad. It ended up being a very, long tiring shift. Crawling into bed around 11 pm they were called to a fire at 2 am and didn't return until 7 am.

So exhausted from the shift, he fell into bed and didn't wake up until his nightmare started.

_Johnny was running, not sure from what, running and running and getting nowhere. Then his face started to drop off. First one eye, then another, his nose._

He woke up screaming, checking to make sure his face was still there and he quieted his harsh breathing. Unable to go back to sleep, the rest of his day off he spent cleaning, shopping and hopefully exhaust himself to sleep. However, it wasn't meant to be.

#####

Unable to sleep, Johnny got to 51 about an hour earlier than normal, finding both the squad and engine out. He made coffee and found the paper in the office, after pouring himself a cup of coffee he went through the paper but was unable to concentrate. His OT shift before made no mention of Brice's death so he kept his secret until the headquarters issued a statement or memo to the effect.

As the squad and engine pulled in, Johnny folded the paper and placed it on the table, since he was in his uniform he could take it easy. Sauntering out to the bay, he waved at the C shift.

"Johnny, that your coffee?" Dwyer asked with a big grin on his face.

Johnny nodded as the men grumbled about the early morning call, they all went in for coffee and he checked out the squad, doing biophone check and drug box inventory.

He heard the noises as the shift changed; Johnny sat on the running board of the engine and waited. Still feeling restless, he stood up and sat down a few times, hoping his secret wouldn't be secret anymore. His nightmare the previous night made him more edgy than usual and his friend and paramedic partner, Roy would be sure to notice forcing him to stay quiet. He woke up in the middle of the night, checking to make sure his face was still there that it wasn't dripping blood and both eyes were still in his head.

Knowing Roy as he did his silence would irritate and aggravate Roy more and he didn't need it if the shift was to resemble anything close to normal.

Unfortunately for Johnny there was no announcement and he had to hold on tighter to his morbid information. He was quieter than normal as Cap issued orders, thankful he would be hanging hose with Stoker, the quiet engineer, making it easier for Johnny to remain silent. However it was a short reprieve as tones sounded as both men headed towards the hose tower.

Their first run of the day was a heart attack that didn't make it. Johnny was nursing his coffee when Roy saw him. Thankful he was dismissed, another death hung on him, just like Brice's.

"Hey Johnny," Roy helped himself to coffee looking at his pensive partner.

"Hey Roy," Johnny gave a feint smile as Dixie joined them, hopped on her stool and surveyed her favorite paramedics.

"Hello boys," Dixie smiled and looked at Johnny. Johnny knew she knew. Hell, Dixie always knew.

"Dixie," both men greeted her, Johnny avoided her eyes. Her blue eyes bore into him making him shift and knock into Roy, making him spill his coffee.

"Hey watch it," Roy glared at Johnny, "look what you've done." Roy pointed to his now coffee splattered boots.

"Um, sorry, Roy," Johnny quickly got some napkins and handed them to Roy.

Dixie leaned over and whispered to him.

"Sorry, Johnny," the head nurse knew how much each death affected the paramedics. "Too bad about your last patient."

Johnny shrugged, finished his coffee and motioned towards the men's room. "Meet you at the squad." Walking down the hall, he knew Dixie wasn't just apologizing for the lost heart patient, but Brice as well.

Roy nodded and watched as he headed down the hall.

"Hey, Dixie, did Johnny say anything to you?" Roy always knew he could count on Dixie to drag information from his reticent partner.

"Uh, no, Roy, should he have?" Dixie cleared her throat and went back to her paperwork.

"Um, no, not exactly," Roy checked the hallway. "But he seems really down today and not very talkative, figured he might have told you something."

"No, Roy, he didn't tell me anything," Dixie smiled.

"Well, better go, see you later," Roy waved and headed towards the squad. He found Johnny just shutting the bay doors and then sliding into his seat, closing the squad door.

"Hey Johnny, you okay?" Roy looked at his introspective partner as he gazed out the front window of the squad.

"Yeah I'm okay Roy why?" Johnny smiled hoping to disarm his partner from further questioning.

"I dunno you've been awfully quiet is all," Roy started the engine and they pulled out of Rampart. "And I know it isn't from just losing that guy."

"Well I'm just tired Roy," _freaking bone tired,_ um I worked a shift of OT," Johnny explained and hoped it would placate Roy.

"Oh, okay," Roy seemed satisfied, for the moment at least.

But the reprieve didn't last long, on their next run; Dr. Brackett was waiting for them. Somehow he had managed to bring in their next patient; part of him wished he hadn't.

"Johnny could I see you in my office please," Brackett looked at Johnny. Again blue eyes seemed to see right thru him.

"Um, sure, Dixie could you tell Roy I..." Johnny looked at Dixie for some help.

"Sure Johnny go on. I'll take care of Roy," McCall smiled and watched as Kell took Johnny for a little talk.

"Shut the door," Brackett slid behind his desk and offered John a chair.

Sitting down he stared at his other boss. "What's up?" Johnny took tell something was serious. He placed both arms on the chair and tried to look relaxed, wondering what he had done to warrant a 'lecture' from his other boss.

"Well Johnny I got a call from Harbor General about your paying a visit to their ER. Want to enlighten me?" Brackett's eyes bore into him as he crossed his arms and leaned back into this chair.

"Um, well Doc it depends on how much you know," Johnny had no point in breaking confidences; it was bad enough keeping this secret until the official announcement.

"I know enough that one of your fellow paramedics is dead and you were unfortunate to find them," Kell's voice softened, he leaned forward and placed his clasped hands on his desk.

"Oh," Johnny looked down into his lap. "Well...I…um…kinda freaked out, you know. I…I just freaked out." Thankful Brackett knew, but of course he knew he was in charge of the program.

"I'm just checking to see how you are. Roy seemed to be worried enough to talk to Dixie. I want to know if you can function at your job," Brackett stated. The man's blue eyes bore into him, taunting him to tell the truth.

Johnny sighed, thinking the doctor hadn't changed, still the cold hearted bastard.

"Yes I'm fine doc. Ready, willing and able," Johnny stood up, "Can I go now I'm sure Roy is spitting nails by now." He crossed his arms and glared at the doctor, "besides if Harbor General called you they should have told you I had a clean bill of health."

"Look Johnny, I'm sorry if I came off so cold, it's your mental health I'm worried about," Brackett tried to soften his request.

"Well I'm good Doc, okay I'm good. So can I go now?" Johnny couldn't stand Brackett's intense stare.

"Well Johnny," Kell got up from his desk, "if you do need any help, and I'm not saying you do, not only does the department offer some help but I can refer you to someone if you like." He knew John could be a very stubborn man, Kell's eyebrow twitched, and emphazing Johnny's weakness.

"Like I said Doc I'm fine," Johnny opened the door and walked out right into Roy.

"Uh, hey Roy, I'll be in the squad," Johnny quickly made his way through the double doors of the ER and into the safety of the squad.

Johnny coming out of Brackett's office aroused Roy's usually dormant curiosity, but he would wait, since he did have a lot of patience.

Again, Johnny stared out of the squad on the drive back to the station. Roy bit his lip wondering how to approach his friend.

However, when they got back to the station Hank was waiting for him.

"Uh John could you come into my office please," Hank stood in the office doorway.

"Yeah, sure," Johnny shut the squad door, walked in front of it, closed the station door and walked in Cap's office. He caught as Roy watched every step he took. Man, they weren't making things easy.

"Why don't you shut the door pal," Hank made himself comfortable at his desk. Johnny preferred to stand if he was getting his butt chewed. "You're not in trouble, _yet, _so please sit down."

Sighing Johnny sat down and looked into Cap's eyes. _He knew damnitt he knew, first Brackett and now Cap._

"John," Cap cleared his throat. "I understand you had some excitement on your days off."

_Excitement, I really wouldn't call it that. _"Yeah, I did," Johnny had to push back his anger.

"Just to let you know if you need to talk to anyone, now I'm not saying you'll have to, but my door is always open and the department has um, people you can talk to too." Hank shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

Johnny stood up, "I'm fine Cap. Okay I'm fine. You should be worrying about the guy's next of kin. Their ones who's going to need help. Are we done?" For some unknown reason he was angry, angry for what he wasn't sure. Why didn't they make the damn announcement? So he could get Brice out of his head!

"Yes, John we're done," Hank sighed and got up. "But just think about it, okay, pal." 

"Yeah Cap I'll think about it," Johnny opened the door and made a quick exit to the yard to watch the cars whiz by on the 405. The soothing sounds of traffic relaxed him somewhat but his jaws were clenched and so were his hands by his sides. He was ready to punch someone out for no good reason, whatsoever. Was he going crazy?

Sure enough, Roy watched Johnny go to the yard and hopefully would stay away. Just talking to two men he highly respected and concerned made him worry.

Roy went into the yard and walked up to his best friend.

"Hey Johnny," Roy asked quietly.

John almost jumped out of his skin, angry he turned to Roy.

"Don't sneak up on me and scare the shit out of me!" Johnny glared at Roy.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I mean you're not in trouble are you?" Roy's eyes looked at him.

"No, Roy I'm not in trouble okay? I didn't do anything. Do you mind if I have some peace and quiet?" Johnny needed some time alone.

"Well if you need to talk, you know where I am," Roy turned and left him alone.

Well he didn't want to talk; there was nothing to talk about. Craig Brice, perfect paramedic had committed suicide and nothing anyone said or did would change that.

However as they were changing back into civvies after the end of shift, Roy looked at him.

"So Johnny want to come over for dinner tonight? The kids would really like seeing you and so would Joanne," Roy finished tying his shoe and noticed Johnny hadn't even begun to get changed.

"Oh I'm working here, this shift," Johnny sat down hard on the bench, thankful he remembered the phone call he got before turning in, the night before.

"Oh, isn't this kinda a sudden?" Roy was annoyed, usually Johnny told him about OT.

"No, Roy it's not sudden okay," Johnny stood up and glared at Roy. "I don't have to tell you everything in my life Roy. You know that, it's not like you tell me everything you know. Have a good day off," Johnny shut his locker and headed out to the bay.

"What's up with Johnny?" Chet snickered noting one of Johnny's standard tirades.

"I don't know Chet and it's none of your business," Roy slammed his locker shut. "See you next shift."

"Yeah, right like it will be a barrel full of monkeys," Chet followed a few minutes behind Roy.

####

Again there was no announcement so Johnny had to suffer through was seemed the longest shift in hell. Maybe he was paying for all the bad things he had thought about Craig Brice, the man was downright irritating and annoying, even when he worked with him. He had never told Roy about going to see Brice and talking shop, maybe because, oh hell he wasn't sure either.

So back on shift after another sleepless night, Johnny was begging for an announcement, any announcement to end his misery and hopefully nightmares.

The Cap assigned him and Roy to do the dorms, no doubt by design. Truth be told he was getting anxious for no particular damn reason. His previous nightmare was back, thankful he didn't wake up the shift and ended up dozing on the sofa. Also thankful there hadn't been a run.

Pulling the sheets off the bed and noting they were alone, Johnny looked at his best friend.

"Hey Roy," Johnny watched as his partner looked at him.

"Yeah," Roy hugged the pillow he was working on.

"Um do you ever think of suicide?" Johnny held up the sheet he was working on and tried to make it sound normal.

"Suicide?" Roy's face registered some confusion and then confirmation.

"Not me Roy." Johnny put his hands to his chest, "Hell no. I mean, what we go on three or four calls a month that are suicides. Don't you ever wonder what makes someone want to do it? I mean how life could be so bad you'd want to off yourself," Johnny frowned.

"I dunno Junior, guess I never thought of it. Guess I didn't want to think about the gruesome details, you know. Besides our job is to save them," Roy finished with the pillow.

However, Johnny knew he had made a mistake as his partner's mother hen's feathers were ruffled. _Shit!_ But he would hope it was a busy shift and other more important things would crowd into Roy's thoughts

The shift dragged on and by the time the Cap called for lights out John was exhausted, hoping for another run free night. The engine got called out around 1 a.m. and Johnny went right back to sleep.

Then at 3 am his nightmare made him sit straight up, only it wasn't Brice in that black body bag, but him. He wondered if anyone would really miss him if he was gone. Knowing it was useless to get back to sleep; he wearily pulled his bunkers on and headed towards the dayroom, wondering what he'd find anything on TV this early in the morning, hoping it would be static.

####

It seemed to have been the longest week in Johnny's life as he hoped for some announcement of Brice's passing. Every day there was no announcement, he could feel his own anxiousness grating on him and his lack of fortitude disappointing. When would it end?

Coming into change, Johnny started getting undressed as both Chet and Roy came in.

"Hey guys did you hear, Craig Brice is dead," Chet stated with a touch of glee.

"Seriously?" Roy stopped dressing. "Craig Brice is dead?"

"Yeah Roy. I worked OT at 110's and they made the announcement. Can you believe it the freaking perfect paramedic is dead!" Chet grinned.

Thankfully nobody noticed John's heavy sigh of relief in his locker, taking his paramedic pins from the bottom of his locker, he closed the door and made a quick exit to the dayroom.

"Hey Johnny," Roy turned to see Johnny was gone.

"Hum, guess you two had a fight huh," Kelly continued to get dressed.

"Chet, just shut up will ya," Roy shook his head and finished dressing.

Drinking his morning brew he quickly headed out to the bay, opened the squad doors and pulled out the trauma box to check for supplies. Even in the bay he could hear Chet tell anyone and everyone in the dayroom about Brice being dead. He thought it would make him feel better, his secret finally out, but his stomach was still in knots and his palms sweaty.

"John," Hank looked to the only man on shift at the moment. "I guess you're the only one working today."

"I'm here Cap," Stoker came out behind the engine.

Lopez, Kelly and Roy came out to the bay talking loudly.

"I just can't believe it," Roy shook his head, "Craig Brice is dead."

"Hey neither could I, you guys ought to be pretty damn happy about that," Marco smiled.

Johnny slammed the trauma box lid down ending conversation.

"Well I see all my crew made it today," Hank looked as Johnny leaned against the squad while the other four men stood loosely at attention in front of the running board of the engine.

"So you couldn't keep your mouth shut could you Chet?" Hank glared at him.

"Huh? Oh you mean about Brice, like I said I was working OT over at…"

"I think the whole department heard you Chet," Johnny snorted to a confused looking group of men.

"Be that as it may, the other announcement is funeral arrangements are pending," Hank again looked at Johnny. "So shall we get to work, you twits."

"Hey guys," Hank motioned his paramedics over.

Both Roy and John made their way to their captain.

"I want you to check out a few hydrants," Hank looked at his crushed junior paramedic; the man was going through some sort of personal hell. "How are you on supplies?"

"Um, we're good. Good Cap," Johnny had to remember what he had been doing when Chet made the crack about Craig. He wouldn't be so slap happy if he had seen Brice in the flesh.

"Well here is the list and then go 10-8 to Rampart for supplies, just in case," Hank gave Roy a knowing nod and handed Roy a list of hydrants to check.

"So Johnny you ready?" Roy turned as Hank headed towards the office.

"Um, yeah, no! I have to get the clipboard, okay. Man just hold your horses," John scrambled into the office to see Hank on the phone, grinned and then left.

Roy slid into the squad, then looked as Johnny slid in, slammed the squad door especially hard and then sat still.

"Ready?" Roy looked at his pensive friend.

"Yeah I'm ready. I'm good. Can we just go?" Johnny said exasperated.

Roy shook his head, just not sure what was with is partner today.

The hydrants took a few hours and then they headed to Rampart.

"Roy, man there is no reason for us to go to Rampart," Johnny had a vague idea why Hank wanted them to go there.

"Why not? Okay it's not like we're in direr need of supplies, but you never know, you know?" Roy grinned and Johnny turned and pouted. "Besides were due, okay."

However, their visit to Rampart was brief, just as they got supplies the HT beeped, leaving them on a very, busy, busy shift.

Unfortunately, Cap had assigned him and Roy to dorms, no doubt on purpose so he could talk.

"Hey Johnny," Roy grinned as they stripped each bed of its linens. "How were your days off?"

Johnny glared at Roy since he knew full well how his days off went, he knew he looked like shit. Just a few nightmares to end any chance of restful sleep. But he could tell Roy know about Brice, how he found the body, the gory details and God how sick it sounded.

Opening his mouth, tones sounded. The shift seemed endless, but the night was very long. After a midnight call, Johnny climbed into bed, not caring about anything but much needed sleep. Barely closing his eyes, his nightmare began, screaming silently he sat up, thankful the rest of his shift mates were still asleep.

Putting on his bunkers, he headed out to the dayroom only to be stopped when tones sounded sending them out for a structure fire at three a.m.

#####

Curiosity and lack of sleep got the best of him on Johnny's next shift. He spotted Bob Bellingham, Brice's former partner alone. Roy had yet to arrive with the squad so he cornered Bob. It was just after lunch and Brice's death was still eating at him, along with never-ending nightmares.

"Hey Bob," Johnny made sure the large paramedic had no where to go. Cornering him between the water fountain and the double doors leading to the rest of the hospital.

"Hey Johnny," Bob smiled but could tell by the intense expression on his fellow compatriot it wasn't going to be pretty.

"I wonder if you could answer a question for me pal," Johnny tried to keep it light but was failing.

"Sure, sure," Bellingham agreed readily.

"So what exactly happened to Brice, I thought you guys were partners?" Johnny had lots of time to think, why it should be him and not his partner who found him.

"Well, you know Johnny, Craig called in sick and then we had three days off after that. I was busy you know," Bob could see Johnny clench his jaws.

"Busy? You were busy?" Johnny hissed. "You guys are partners. Bob. Besides Craig never called in sick."

"Look Johnny," Bob pointed his fingers at him." Everyone knew Brice was a royal pain in the ass. The perfect paramedic, what your problem is you let the guy get to you. Me," Bellingham pointed to himself. "I could give a flying fig about him. Yeah sure we worked together and that was it. Nothing more. Personally I think he gave paramedics a bad name."

Johnny's jaw dropped open and then closed. He had no right of course.

"Hey Johnny," Roy's voice penetrated his anger and he turned around.

"Nice talking to you Bellingham," Johnny said with distain and anger, again leaving Roy alone as he headed to the squad. Hoping he wouldn't break his hand punching something out.

Roy quickly got supplies and headed towards the squad. He was going to talk to his partner if it killed him.

"Hey Johnny," Roy slid into the squad, finding his partner a million miles away. "Johnny". He touched Johnny's shoulder and he yelped.

"What the hell was that for?" Johnny glared at him. "What the hell did I do to you?" He was seething, and wondered if the entire department felt the way Bellingham did about Brice.

"Johnny."

Their radio beeped.

**Squad 51 what is your status?**

Johnny viciously grabbed the mic. "Available."

They were off for a very busy rest of the shift.

Finally sitting down for dinner, Johnny rubbed his hands over his tired face. It just wasn't all the calls; it was the wasted time on them.

"You know," Chet began as he filled his plate with food. "I'm sure you guys are glad Brice is dead."

Johnny took a violent bite of his food, trying to ignore Chet.

"Yeah, I mean the few shifts he worked, you know he quoted regs to me three times," Marco continued.

"Yeah," Mike spoke, "he had the gall to tell me what was wrong with Big Red. I'm the engineer for Pete's sake and the guy was telling me my job."

Hank remained silent as he watched his men vent, each dealt with the stress and strain of the job differently, granted there may have not been fond memories of Craig Brice, but he let the men continue.

"Yeah," Roy took a sip of his coffee, "That guy was always rearranging the damn drug box like it was his! I mean I tried to be nice to the guy, but even I have limits."

Johnny couldn't believe this. A guy was dead, a fellow firefighter, then visions of Brice's body flashed before him. Johnny stood up, angry.

"I just don't believe you guys! I mean, yeah sure Brice may have been difficult to work with but in case you forgot he was a brother in arms, a damned fellow firefighter. Or is that all a bunch of shit! Huh, how would you like it if guys talked about you after you were gone? Huh? All you all are cold hearted bastards!" Johnny took his plate, wiped it clean and then headed towards the dorms, he was suddenly very tired.

All the men were in shock, except for Hank, he knew even John had his breaking point.

"Well I'll be damned," Chet shook his head. "Do you think Johnny actually liked Brice? You're right Roy, Johnny is certifiable."

"Roy, why don't you check on John, pal," Hank could see the worried look on Roy's face and no doubt the junior paramedic hadn't had a chance to tell Roy the gruesome details.

Johnny was leaning on the dividers in the dorms, his head on his chest, eyes closed as he willed the image from his brain and the thoughtless, tactless comments from his shift mates.

Roy touched his friends shoulder making him jump.

"Damnitt who the hell is..." Johnny turned around to see Roy. "I'm sorry it just."

"What's bugging you partner?" Roy finally asked the burning question.

"Um, Roy. I…," Johnny sighed, stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to think of a way to say it. _Oh by the way I was the one who found Craig Brice he had eaten a bullet._

Tones sounded ending their conversation.

#######

Three busy shifts followed John's week from hell. Roy had asked him to dinner a few times, but he was physically and emotionally exhausted after each shift.

The same bloody nightmare woke him up again. He could feel the pressure of the body bag, smell the rubber and hear the distinct zipper. Wiping the sweat from his face he made a decision. Going into his kitchen he took the phone from the bar and dialed a familiar number.

"_Rampart Emergency," Dixie's voice answered._

Johnny sighed. "Hey Dix is Brackett around?" Not that he wouldn't be, but who knows the ER doc never seemed to take a vacation or managed to live at Rampart.

"_Yes he is Johnny. He's in his office. Are you all right?" Dixie's concern went through the wires._

Even at three a.m. she cared.

"I will be, um could you transfer me, please." Johnny yawned suddenly feeling a little better.

"_Transferring, you take care tiger."_

"_Dr. Brackett."_

"Hey, Doc," Johnny yawned again.

"_Johnny, is that you?"_

"Yeah, Doc it's me. Um, you know that little problem we discussed about two weeks ago."

"_Yes," Brackett's voice was inquiring._

"Well, I could really use a referral, you know," Johnny tried to keep it light but just couldn't.

"_Hang on a sec." _

He could hear shuffling of paper.

"_I think this will do," Brackett rattled off a name and number. "You're not calling now are you? Because if you are you get your ass down here now."_

"I'm good, Doc, now that I have this number. Thanks I appreciate it. Believe me I'll call around nine a.m. Thanks again," Johnny felt relieved.

"_You're welcome. Can't have one of my best paramedics falling apart can I?"_

"Good night," Johnny hung up the phone. The couch looked inviting. He got comfortable, pulled a blanket around him and fell asleep.

#####

Next shift didn't seem so bad, his appointment was set for the next day and maybe he would get some relief. They were just sitting down for lunch when the doorbell rang.

Cap went and answered it leaving the men to eat.

"John," Cap came back a few minutes later, "there is someone here to see you."

"Oh," Johnny got up and followed Hank back to the office.

Standing in the office was an older couple who looked vaguely familiar.

"John, this is Mr. and Mrs. Brice. John. I'll leave you alone," Hank disappeared and shut the office door.

"Um," Johnny swallowed hard. "Nice to meet you," he shook both their hands.

"I'm George and this is Helene. We just want to thank you for finding our boy," George stated. "Not some stranger."

"Yes, a friend found him. My poor Craig," Helene dapped at her eyes with a handkerchief. "You see the nice officer told us who found my son."

Johnny just nodded, finding no words.

"Anyway we brought you those," George pointed a box on Hank's desk. "They're all his medical books since he won't be needing them now."

"Thank you and I really didn't do anything," Johnny tried to let them know it wasn't important.

"Oh yes it was. You're a paramedic just like my Craiggy," Helene tears flowed freely now. "He would have wanted it. He really enjoyed being a paramedic."

"Well if he hadn't been a paramedic maybe this wouldn't have happened. Craig could have been anything Helene. A doctor, lawyer, not some lowly paramedic. No offense." George apologized.

"None taken," Johnny smiled. _God we had a lot more in common than I thought._

"Anyway thank you again," George took the box of books and thrust them at Johnny.

Johnny took the box and then looked at the couple. "Thank you and if that's all I'd like to get back to work now."

"Of course, come dear we've bothered the young man enough," Helene led them out of the office.

Johnny opened the office door with his foot, noticed the back bay doors weren't opened, and then headed towards the dayroom and the back door.

All the men looked at him, except the cap, Johnny wasn't hungry anymore and made his way to the back door. Roy got up and opened the door for him.

"Thanks," Johnny frowned and headed towards his Rover. Roy followed discreetly behind noting the sudden change of mood of his friend.

Roy again, opened the Rover's door.

"Thanks," John pushed the box down the back seat and then leaned against the seat feeling wiped out.

"So what have you got there?" Roy hoped to break the foreboding silence.

Johnny opened the box and pulled out the first book. It was the one he borrowed from Craig; he must have dropped it and then completely forgot about it.

"Medical books," Johnny continued to stare at the cover, remembering how a book changed his day.

"Oh," Roy tried to be understanding.

"Craig Brice's medical books," Johnny looked up to the serious expression of his partner. "I was returning it to him. We worked a couple shifts of OT together, talked shop and then he offered to lend me the book. You know see if it was worth buying or not." Johnny explained his reasons for being at Brice's apartment, now wondering if Craig had planned it from the beginning.

Roy stuck his hands in his pockets and waited.

"Um, Roy I found him," Johnny sighed heavily and leaned into his seat.

"Found who?" Roy wasn't tracking too well.

"Craig Brice, that's who, like I said I was returning this book and I found his body!" Johnny was getting angry for no good reason and he tried to push it down

"Johnny!" Roy reached towards his shoulder.

Johnny turned around and threw the book back into the box. "Roy, Craig Brice committed suicide." There he had finally told his friend.

"Suicide? Seriously," Roy rubbed his nose, not truly sure what he had heard.

"Yeah, Roy he ate a bullet okay, man. He fricken ate a bullet," Johnny stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground.

Nothing could be heard but the rush of traffic from the 405.

"Heavy," Roy found his voice.

"Yeah, real heavy. Hey Roy I'm sorry if I've….um…been acting…strange the last few weeks but it really got to me, you know," Johnny knew he had been on edge.

"Oh I noticed all right, but you really weren't acting any stranger than you normally do," Roy grinned.

"Thanks a lot," Johnny got up from leaning and shut the door of his Rover. "Thanks, Roy for sticking by me."

"Oh, and you know Johnny you'd be missed you know. Not only by me but Joanne, the kids, the guys at the station and Rampart," Roy tried to comfort his friend.

"Hey, Roy," Johnny placed his hand on his chest, "I wasn't worried man. But it's nice to know," Johnny grinned.

"Hey, that's what friends are for, you know," Roy glad to see Johnny was finally opening up. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know that," Johnny said contrite, running his hand through his hair. "But this wasn't exactly a conversation starter."

"More like a killer one," Roy swallowed. "Oh, Johnny I'm sorry."

"No, no I'm good. _Or will be tomorrow._ Anyway, I'll tell you all about it sometime."

"Well how about you come over for dinner tomorrow night and tell me then?" Roy wanted to push Johnny a little bit.

"You're on. I got something to do. Mind if I show up a little early. I'm sure that honey do list has grown exponentially since I've haven't been around to help." Johnny laughed.

"Well…"

**Tones sounded.**

"They're playing our song Junior," Roy looked at Johnny.

"They sure are Palley, they sure are," Johnny grinned as both men headed to the station.

**Thanks for reading**


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